Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Successful people...can have a decent Memorial Day Weekend

Successful people LOVE three-day weekends. This is because they embark on excursions with either their significant other and dog, or with “the girls.”

If it's the former, camping is a likely choice. They'll lay out under the sky, stare at the stars, and warm by a fire that they built with two sticks and the blessings of Hephaestos, God of Fire.

They'll bond with each other and nature, really feeling the earth beneath their feet and wind beneath their wings. They'll stop and smell the roses, bound with their dog across an open field, and truly understand the meaning of life.

If it's a "girls' weekend", shit will get a little crazy. Not really crazy, mind you. Just sort of. This trip will most likely take place in Palm Springs, since it doesn't have the same stigma as Vegas and none of the Wayne Newton.

All “the girls” will lie out by the hotel pool and order a drink such as a Hibiscus Mai Tai-licious (you're welcome, some rum company). While they sip, they’ll stare over their sunglasses at passing men and giggle, “We're SO bad!” and “Samuél can never know!”

As the night goes on, they'll go shopping, get pedis, have dinner, then get ready for a night out – all while continuing to drink. Then they'll go to the club and say things like, “We're the hottest bitches in here!” and “Drink up, slut! Don't waste!”

If a man dare respond to the excessive staring and approach one, the chosen girl will angrily tell him to back off and exclaim to the others, “OMG, what was he THINKING? I'm taken, why can't he tell that by the manner in which I'm acting? My personal space bubble is PERSONAL!”

The weekend will end with approx. 2.5 of the women puking and/or understanding the true meaning of life.

I...get a sinus infection

I woke up on Saturday with a head full of promise and a heart full of sincerity.

This was going to be the best day. A day of all days. It was the start of my 3-day weekend, and even though I had no plans, I felt some would surely fall into my lap.

A BBQ perhaps? Not that I knew anyone having one, but I was positive that a pudgy bluebird would show up at my window any minute with a teeny invitation tied to his teeny bird leg. “Cute!” I'd exclaim. “Sure, I'll go! I can't wait...”

And that's when I felt it. The feeling that my face had been stomped on by an elephant, hit by a prizefighter and – to add insult to injury – rammed repeatedly by a face-sized rhinoceros.

I got up, hoping that vertical-ness would be a distraction from the pain. It did not. I drank water and hoped really hard, but apparently I kind of scrunch up my nose when I hope, and that did not do good things for my nose pain.

I knew I needed medication, and decided to not waste any time procuring some. As added motivation, I received the following text from a friend: “Reggae festival today, bitch!”

When I called the doc's office, they had the PA on staff get in touch with me. She called from her private cell phone and couldn't order me a prescription for another few hours until she was in front of a computer.

Undoubtedly, she was on a boat somewhere off the coast of Maine being über successful.

Inez, Success Ruiner!

As I crawled into bed mid-day and my boyfriend set off to swim somewhere in the hotness, I gave up inside. I was just too bad at that day.

In the evening and after I got my antibiotics, we ended up eating leftovers at his parents' house and playing an hours-long round of Encyclopedia Book Trivia.

For those of you not familiar with Encyclopedia Book Trivia, it is a rousing game that starts when someone begins looking up something in an encyclopedia for no apparent reason – screw you, Internet! – then proceeds to read random questions from that book against everyone's will.

The good news is that since there's a book per letter, you can be pretty sure what the answer will start with.

Turns out “mfire” is Indeed. Not. A. Word.

Quest for a life-changing discovery, complete.

1 comment:

  1. Honestly, this blog is hilarious. I love it. I saw you link it on Allie Brosh's FB wall (which seems like stalking but oh well) and I think what you have here is genius. I would quote some of my favorites but it's all pretty much my favorite!

    Good luck in your endeavors to learn more about this rare but seemingly ubiquitous species. I for one am definitely not a successful people.