Successful people…have dinner parties

They look through their iPhones and pick out several successful-people friends to invite over. Sometimes, they send out INVITATIONS IN ADVANCE – again, I am putting the most unbelievable things I'm listing in all caps.

In extreme cases, those invitations are INDIVIDUALLY HANDMADE.

The host then CLEANS for the upcoming party, GOES TO THE STORE and BUYS INGREDIENTS for a meal they will MAKE FROM SCRATCH. KNOWING THE RECIPE BY HEART, THEY MAKE IT IN 30 MINUTES WITHOUT BURNING ANYTHING and MANAGE TO KEEP THE KITCHEN COMPLETELY IN TACT.

They do all this while donning an apron that really brings out the color of their eyes.

Then the guests show up and exclaim: “It smells delicious in here! Here’s my also homemade dish crafted with winks, smiles, and the sincere hope for your wellbeing and that of the world’s!”

Then they all sit down at an expertly coordinated table complete with exquisitely made table clothes and MATCHING CUTLERY.

“Look at this expertly coordinated table complete with exquisitely made table cloths and matching cutlery!” they say. And, “This food is just BEYOND.”

To which the host replies: “Thanks so much. The food took me no time at all and I made the placemats myself from recycled baby seal fur.”


I…served someone water who came to my apartment once. 

It went something like this: They came into my apartment (which smelled faintly of rotting broccoli since I had some rotting broccoli).

They then stated how their absolute least favorite food in the world is broccoli as they proceeded to take some stuff off a dining room chair so that they could sit down.

I was too lazy to do the same, so I just stood there and looked at them in silence.

They looked back.

Continuing to stare, I began to grate cheese to eat straight from the grater.

After a few awkwardly meaningful looks were exchanged, I panicked and OFFERED THEM WATER. To my dismay, they accepted.

There was more silence.

It was then that I realized what they were waiting for. They expected ME TO GET THEM A GLASS and PUT WATER IN IT FOR THEM. Already too committed, I grabbed a glass, filled it with tap water and gave it to them.

They drank it.

I have refused to let them – or anyone else really – in my stinky apartment since.

P.S. Believe it or not, I was actually invited to a real-life honest-to-goodness dinner party once. I brought a frozen cheesecake.

The end.